We offer an excellent benefits package to all employees.
(It’s not really that different from the one that everyone else is offering. But it looks good in our job adverts.)
All employees are provided with a thorough induction programme.
(We will definitely show you the fire exits. You will be given a computer. Then we will take you on a tour of the building introducing you to dozens of people whose names you will immediately forget. And then you are on your own – good luck!)
We have an open door policy.
(To be honest, it is usually shut. Feel free to knock on it. But not too often, we’re busy.)
We offer excellent learning and development opportunities.
(We do run some courses. You are welcome to book on them. But chances are you will end up cancelling them the day before due to your workload.)
All internal opportunities are advertised and appointments are based on aptitude.
(We do advertise them. But we always know who is going to get the job; we are just following the policy to make sure we don’t get sued.)
We have an open and collaborative culture. Communication is key to our success.
(But we block access to social media sites just in case you abuse them. We will regularly(ish) send you a newsletter full of happy, smiling employees. Don’t even think of asking for financial information, that is top secret.)
We passionately believe in providing feedback. All of our employees have regular performance reviews and a personal development plan.
(We do performance reviews, otherwise the HR team get all upset. They will be squeezed in, regularly rescheduled and generic.)
We are a values driven organisation.
(We have some values. On the intranet and our corporate website, oh, and in reception. No one but HR knows what they are.)
Our employees are our greatest asset.
(They aren’t. Our customers are. Some of our employees are a right royal pain in the ass to be honest).
How often do you see something written about organisations, your organisation, or say something yourself that you just know isn’t true? Corporate websites, press releases, job advertisements. Tweets, videos, LinkedIn company pages. Spin. Fluff. White lies and whoppers.
The written word disconnects from our real experience. Reality versus belief. The official story versus the real narrative.
Do you know what the truth is in your organisation? Can you face it, or could you tell it?